When to Shut Your Face

Welcome to this, a regular public interest endeavour dedicated to the ongoing improvement of The Social Contract.

Please note the introduction of the following amendments to The Social Contract. These matters pertain specifically to Appendix B: When to Shut Your Face.

Please be aware of the following amendments, effective immediately:

Section 1.1.1 stipulates that “In the event of meeting a woman who may or may not be pregnant with a human child, no person, under any circumstances, may

(a) mention the possibility of a pregnancy

(b) use the words ‘your condition’

(c) offer any unsolicited advice of any kind, ever, or:

(d) launch into a birth story involving the time you exploded while giving birth/will never trust a hospital again/had an orgasmic birth in a waterfall holding hands with a butterfly.

Unless (1.1.2) you are a qualified medical practitioner with the woman’s actual medical chart in front of you and she is, in fact, crowning.

Section 1.2.1 stipulates that persons currently engaged in relationships (whether dysfunctional or not) must, in the event of meeting persons who are currently single, Shut Their Faces in relation to matters pertaining to (a) marital status, (b) sexual orientation, (c) knowing someone who is “really lovely” who would “be a great fit”, or (d) using the phrases “putting yourself out there” or “it will happen when you least expect it”. Note: breaching this section is a criminal offence that can result in jail time.

Section 3.3 proscribes any adult person approaching a male adult engaged in the care of a child and asking any of the following questions: 

(a) “Have you got the day off today?”

(b) “Aren’t the baby’s feet a bit cold?”

(c) “You’re doing a great job. How old are they? I mean, approximately…”

Section 1.3.8 stipulates that any person who is, for whatever reason and for however long, a passenger in any vehicle whatsoever, must never, under any circumstances, comment on the driving abilities, directional choices, or musical tastes of the driver, including but not limited to comments such as:

(a) “Oh. You went that way.”

(b) “It’s just sixty in this area. Says there you’re going sixty-three.”

(c) “I always have trouble with reverse parks too”

Regarding interpretation, it should be noted that these amendments set out to codify the age-old maxim: “Life will afford you many opportunities to Shut Your Face. Seize all of them”. 

Remember. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse.

This column appears in Crikey, where all the cool kids get to see it first.