Donut time
Sometimes in life, and I don’t know if anybody else have ever noticed this, bad things happen. Sometimes they even happen to you. There you are, thinking you’re starring in a sitcom or at the very least light entertainment, and you turn a corner to come face-first into an approaching meteor, chased by a twister, pursued by a bear.
Public Service Announcement: there’s not much we can control in this life. When bad things happen, small things make a big difference.
If everything is terrible, hoard the good things. Have a rip-snorter of a donut or a walk on a beach or find time alone or to cry in front of Netflix. Even if you’re in crisis mode, buy yourself a really nice pen that you can use to make notes with. No, it won’t even touch the sides when Everything Is Terrible. When you’re in the middle of the terrible, though, sometimes these things stand out as though they’re signs; as though the universe is sending you a message in a different font or a brighter colour. A hint that there is lovely out there, and it can reach you. Sure, it’s a tiny glimmer at a time, but cracks like that are how the light gets in. This is an actual fact, because Leonard Cohen said it.
If you’re helping someone who is stuck in the terrible: find glimmers. Give someone a hot water bottle or a cup of tea or put a bunch of flowers on a windowsill where before there was nothing. You might be uncertain. You might be pushed away. That’s okay. Glimmers can be sent through the post.
The worst kind of terrible is the terrible that feels like not only will it last forever but also? It’s your fault. You broke up with someone. You fired someone. You made a terrible mistake. Remember that all you can control after the fact is what you learn from the experience. What would you do differently if you had your time over? Sometimes there’s nothing you’d do differently but time is your ultimate collaborator. Will time help the people you’re worried about? Will it help you? We blame time for a lot of things, but sometimes it’s the only thing that can make sense of an experience. Excruciating, I know. Fill the time with a book, or a project, or a challenge. Be warned though, this is how people taking up running.
A friend of mine recently lost their job. Never a great experience, but in this instance made a thousand times worse by people who didn’t know how to make a hard decision well. Decisions don’t have to be happy for everyone. Sometimes you have to make a hard choice. Ask yourself though, if there’s a way to make the least terrible version of the terrible decision. We all hate getting that message, ‘unfortunately there was an unprecedented number of applicants this year, and your application has not been successful’. Ugh! Better than not getting a response though. Also? Not as good as something constructive and helpful.
Sometimes the sitcom you’re living in can morph into a tense psychodrama. Those are the ones you can’t watch without breathing into a paper bag. Toxic workplaces testing the sanity of a group of increasingly desperate characters stuck together in a confined space with a job to do and far too many obstacles in the way of it. A family dynamic where things unsaid brew tension and disfavour until someone turns up dead. A relationship whose currency is paranoia and resentment. If you’re in one of those ones, remember: you’re the main character in your life, so you get to write the bits that happen when you’re not in the hothouse environment of the central setting. You can go for a walk outside by yourself and unload on a friend over the phone. You can plan little escapes and even design a plot line where you’re hardly even in that bit of the movie. You could be an extra, in the background, or a character the audience never sees.
Point is, if you’re going to fire someone, think about the least terrible way of doing it. If you’ve just been broken up with, conspire with time. Sometimes things are just the Absolute Worst, and there’s no denying it. Might as well eat a donut while crying in the bath. You don’t have to believe it, but allow the donut to gently suggest: it won’t always be like this.