Grudge match

735 Grudge Match

There are two people in my life who I don’t see anymore, by choice. I have seen each of them once or twice by accident but when this happens I tend to cross the road or leap sideways into a hedge or neatly pin-drop into an open sewer. I cannot coexist with these two people under any circumstances. I am, let’s say, emotionally allergic.

Do you have toxic people you avoid? An ex-colleague? The friend that turned? Family? Maybe your headcount is higher than mine. Maybe it’s not as high. I wonder, do you ascribe moral judgements to your collection of avoidees?

I am quite aware that according to polite society, I am not supposed to let these two people have this kind of power over me. That they are in the past now. That they probably don’t spare me a thought. That it brings out the worst in me, this business of holding a grudge.

Public Service Announcement: sometimes, a grudge is precisely what the situation calls for.

I heard someone who worked in a retirement village say that the cliché about elderly people being thoughtlessly abandoned by their families never visiting is in fact mostly a myth. There’s usually at least someone, apparently, checking in, visiting, calling on the phone. For me personally, hearing this was an enormous relief. I’ve always been horrified at the prospect of being either the abandoner or the abandonee in this scenario.

But according to this person, almost everyone has someone who visits them. Or calls them. Or checks in on them. The people who don’t? There’s usually a reason for that. They’ve been unkind or insufficiently careful of people’s feelings. They’ve lacked introspection. They’ve never learned to apologise or they’ve left no room for people to forgive them. Too full of pride, or bitterness, or ill-will or ignorance or fight for the sake of fight.

Maybe, and I do consider this possibility just as likely as any, all of this is complete rubbish. Either way, here’s the bit that can be difficult to think about: what if it’s you? What if the fact that you’re alone, or cross, or leaping into an open sewer to avoid someone, is something you brought on yourself? What if you’re the one who needs to look inwards? Wait. What if it’s me? Here I am avoiding these two people I think are awful, but maybe they’re the good guys? Or none of us is good or bad and I need to shift my perspective just enough to allow for their mistakes rather than rusting them into my own mind as personal injustices?

See what I mean? It’s a slippery emotional slope, all this self-reflection. You can go from imagining yourself righteously testifying against these two duplicitous self-serving turkeys who ruined your entire life in a way that was singularly unjust and outragenously unpunished, to wondering if, in fact, the reason they were so mean to you in the first place was that you did not express yourself properly. That you were somehow tipping the scales in a way that you didn’t see then, which caused a backlash against you that you couldn’t understand then but now must examine?

Here’s where I come to when I begin to spiral too far out of control on this one. If you’re asking yourself these questions; if you’re asking someone else these questions; if you’re thinking about it at all, and allowing yourself to examine the elements of your own instincts or behaviour that could have been different, you’re doing better than the two people to whom I am allergic. And isn’t that a nice thought, because screw those guys!

Sometimes, I’ve had a grudge, and then I’ve met one of the grudgees at a party or something and we’ve talked it out. Sometimes, I’ve had a think about my own role in things, and sent the potential grudgee a message of apology. One or twice I’ve been a grudgee myself, which is another cause for self reflection. In the case of the two people to whom I am currently allergic, though, I have thought about it, and I have concluded that they are irredeemable and I almost, but don’t, feel sorry for them.

Public Service Announcement: don’t hold a grudge. Instead, examine the situation carefully, seek independent advice where necessary, self-critique where helpful, and then: absolutely, fabulously, spirit-fingers, jazz-hands, feather boas and a disco ball, hold that grudge. Protect the grudge. Enjoy the grudge. You earned it.