These columns were commissioned by The Big Issue, where they first appeared. Please buy a copy when you see it in the street. I’m always in there, chatting away. Not all my columns are here, so let me know if you’re after a particular one. Also, you’ll find headlines are different, because the editors at The Big Issue are much better at clever headlines than I will ever be.
The Big Issue Public Service Announcements
Point of You
I found out recently that a friend’s kid misheard ‘point of view’ as ‘point of you’ and I’ve been thinking about ever since. It’s difficult to remember that you’re just a passing character in everybody else’s stories. You’re the protagonist of your own, obviously. That’s the point of you. Sometimes, though, it can be an interesting thought experiment to attempt to switch POVs with people you don’t even know.
Change your mind
Sometimes I get completely lost in a phrase that I have used all my life. Like, ‘I have seen better days’. They reckon Shakespeare invented that one. And wild goose chase. And foregone conclusion. Did you know you can just make up phrases and then people say them for centuries without even knowing it? The one that got me started was: I have changed my mind. Imagine thinking that up. I had a mind that thought this. As a result of some more information or a change of some kind, it is now changed. Like a cool breeze on a hot day. The entire environment is altered.
At the very edge of things
Isn’t it great how humans report to each other? We say things like “how was your day?” which is both a time-specific report (x1 day only) and requires specific agency (it was “your” day). Americans say things like “how are you holding up?” (no time limit but a qualitative pre-assessment of your context - you’re probably struggling in an unnamed context completely out of your control). The idea that today is yours gives all the power to you. The idea that you may or may not be holding up gives you none.
What even is time?
I read the other day that scientists have no idea how to define time, scientifically speaking, and that, despite our linear narrative instincts, time is probably a great big mysterious illusion that we cling to in order to assert some kind intellectual control over our own utterly bewildering existence. I know, quite a confronting idea to be scrolling past, over your morning cup of coffee. And, let me tell you, it didn’t get any less confounding as I read on (quantum mechanics is quite complex, it turns out). The article did suggest, though, that not only is time an illusion but it’s a subjective one, which is why the time you fell over on stage at school assembly lasted for a thousand years but nobody else seemed to notice time slow down (they didn’t use that example, but I feel like they would have if they’d thought of it).
Know who your friends are
I had occasion recently to look through a bunch of old photos. Being as I am (according to my young children) a citizen of ancient vintage, I am of course talking about those old fashioned paper photos you’ve probably seen on display in museums. There was one photo, gosh I look like I was having such a wonderful time, grinning and looking affectionately around at the group of lovely faces surrounding me. Such a good time is being had. The family member looking over my shoulder paused on the way past and commented on how nice it was that I had found a photo of some old friends. Which it would have been… had I recognised a single other person in the photograph.
The history of now
Like me, you have maybe been reminded recently about history. Someone maybe told you about the Spanish flu for instance, and how people wrote novels during it. Or other times in history - world wars, for example, you may have been reminded, were much more trying than what we’re enduring now. This is, of course, true, and sometimes it’s wonderful to gain a sense of perspective from the worst times in history. Sometimes, though, it’s nice to think of the times in history we don’t know about. The unrecorded. The times when people thought, “well that wasn’t much of anything”.
You've Got Today
It’s a cliché these days that Pixar films make people cry. Don’t know what a Pixar film is? That just means you are not intimately attuned to the viewing habits of small children. For that, you should be quietly relieved. Like, don’t boast about it, but well done. There are these films for kids, though, and they are cartoons for heaven’s sake, but they make grown adults cry. Recently, I watched one of these films, called Coco, and I may one day stop crying, but that is by no means a certainty. The film is about the Mexican celebration, the Day of the Dead, and in it, the souls of the deceased get to visit their loved ones for the day, unseen but celebrated and remembered. A lot of the film was about the grief of the living. For me, though, I kept imagining it from the point of view of the dead. Imagine! Just one day! Reunited with the familiar and the normal and the downright complicated business of life again. Even now, with all the things happening in the world, even with the mundane and the awful and the infuriating and the depressing, even with all that, imagine getting a whole day.
People. They're not all terrible.
Well, well, well. Here we are. That happened fast, didn’t it. Everything, I mean. At once. A lot that felt, suddenly, like we were a toddler at a surf beach being surprised by a wave coming in from behind while we were busy watching a seagull.
For when it's all too much
This one’s for when it’s all too much. Genuinely terrible. When, as it has been lately, your world feels like it’s on fire. When life feels unfair and out of control and terrible and awful and relentless because it is.
Stuff is amazing
I’ve been laid up sick recently - the kind of sick that makes you feel like a character in a Dickens novel, groaning and dabbing your forehead and passing out for days waking only to wonder why better healthcare hasn’t been invented yet. There really is nothing nice about it, and to all of you dealing with ailments and illnesses, long-standing or short-lived, all power to you at all.
Happy New Year
You’ve probably heard that mind-blowing fact about how when you condense the entirety of human history into a year, humans don’t arrive until that weird little period after Christmas and before New Year.
Your side of the fence
The other day I saw a headline promising an in-depth article about why winning lots of money isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I laughed, of course. Stared into the middle distance for a bit thinking of all the terrible times I’d have if I won lots of money. I imagine you too cannot think of a single thing about suddenly owning millions of extra dollars that would make you happy.
We are all on the same team
Do you remember the feeling of being on a team? At school, maybe? All of you together, trying to strategise your way around some problem or other? Or maybe at work - figuring out how to get things finished on time, shoulder to shoulder? Maybe you’re on a team with members of your family or your partner or your dog - going on a walk that’s a little longer than you expected and getting slightly lost before stumbling back into familiar territory and giving your team member a bit of a scratch behind the ears while you breathe a quiet sigh of relief.
Almost Everything is Bonkers
I recently saw a baby notice a statue.
We were both waiting in line in the sun to get into an event in the inner city, this baby and I. I didn’t know the baby personally. She was looking over a parental shoulder, scanning the crowd, when her eyes fell on the statue above us. It was still and stern and pointing while riding horseback, its copper eyes staring down at the baby, whose brain was occupied, as all baby brains are, with trying to decode the universe. That was the moment I saw for the first time how bonkers statues are.
Your hands, most of all
This is a true story. I was sitting in a park once, shoes and socks off, grass beneath my bare feet, sky scrolling above me like it was rewinding to the good bit. I was enjoying a lovely moment of watching people doing the various things people tend to do in parks… and I felt something beneath my thumb in the grass.
The You Bits
‘Hey! Thanks for coming! Just follow me. Nice to see you. Trouble getting here? No? Excellent. Well: welcome to my life! Come in! Through here, that’s right. Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Ignore all this. Probably best to… yeah, step over it, that’s the way. Bit of a shambles, this bit. And that bit over there. And, oh, yeah, that other bit. Apologies for the noise, by the way. Getting some repairs done. Who’s what sorry? Oh that? That’s Dave. Yeah. Don’t worry about Dave. We’ve all got a Dave haven’t we. Dave mate? Give it a rest will you please. Now… when I open this next door, you’re going to notice a large fire. Do not be alarmed. We get past this bit, there’s a nice little room where we can have a cup of tea before we have to deal with the snakes. Here. Put this on. And try not to breathe in.’
One Heart
Whose side are you on? Are you with us or against us? Do you like the right things or the wrong things? Have you checked? Did you look it up? Are you sure?
Quick! Pick a team! Didn’t you know we’re at war? We can’t even agree on the facts anymore. All day every day is a struggle: who’s wrong? Who’s right? Whose fault is it? Who gets to be the judge?
Rebel against the narrative
Here is the news: everything is awful, and you can’t even trust that. Nope. You can’t trust the news, don’t be silly. That’s not where we are anymore. You can’t trust history either. Or the future - nobody has predicted anything correctly since, what, the war?
There is, in fiction, a concept known as “the unreliable narrator”. We are at the mercy of an unreliable narrator, drunk on power, spewing out overblown characters and unlikely plots, lurching from dystopian horror to biting satire so rapidly that some of us are feeling a little unwell.
Toast and Beryl
I was walking down the street the other day and I met a very small child. I was chatting with the child’s parent - a friend of mine - who had stopped me as I dashed past, and we were doing the thing where we had to move our conversation off the footpath so other people could pass. I realised, after a while, that I had not yet engaged with the little girl properly at all, so I asked her a question, which she answered in that way children have sometimes of speaking to adults as if to say: I will indulge your frankly dull question with an answer but mostly I shall watch your face with a look of mild disdain. I thought perhaps this would be the end of it but then she asked me something. “Pardon?” I asked her and watched a slight look of irritation cross her face. “I said”, she shouted up at me, “Are you on the way to somewhere?”
For goodness sake go for a walk
You know sometimes you do that thing when you’re typing something into a search engine and it autocompletes the phrase for you and you think “Huh? People search for that?” Well here’s a thing that people have typed enough times that my search engine thought it might be what I was wanting to say: is walking worth it? Now, when I read that, I felt the breath in my lungs become sentient and leave my body in a disgusted sigh. I felt my hope for humanity seeping from the pores of my skin. I felt the kinship between myself and my fellow humans fizzle away to a crust. Is walking worth it?
This is a Public Service Announcement: walking is worth it.